I have a boyfriend. Hard to believe, I know, what with me writing a feminist blog and all, but I do. He hangs out with a group of guys that he calls his ‘bros’ and they get up to fun things like drinking beer and playing games and not being douchey fratboys as you might have inferred from the word ‘bro’. And because they are awesome people, I often hang out with them too. But I’m not allowed to call them my ‘bros’, because apparently you need to be a bro to have bros, and I don’t have balls (once again, hard to believe, feminist blogger, I know) and therefore do not qualify. So usually I call them ‘the guys’. No harm done: everyone still has fun and drinks lots of beer. (And then I call them ‘bros’ in secret because I’m cool and reject the necessity of balls. And because by that point I have had a lot of beer and am prone to talking to myself.)
I have more problems referring to my female friends. I want something that evokes the same alcohol-swilling, good-times-having, immature vibe of ‘bro’, but also indicates that we’re not, you know, dudes (feminism does not mean having to deny your femaleness if you don’t want to). So, what are the options for a bunch of women who have been known to, for example, glaze a ceramic bowl, but also destroy a dumpling house (we now book under a different name each time)?
Bras
I threw the ‘bro’ dilemma out to a mixed group at a bar, and this suggestion came back from a young guy. While I did appreciate the feminine twist on ‘bro’, I did worry that ‘I’m drinking wine with my bras’ made me sound like I was going to get drunk while doing some laundry, or that I was a douchey guy about to do Chap laps with my collar popped. Veto.
Girls
This is what I currently default to when I refer to my lady friends as a group. ‘Out with the girls’, I often text my bearded beloved when he asks what I am up to on a Saturday night. I hate it. To me, it sounds like we are 7, sitting around playing My Little Pony. Which was, let’s be honest, awesome, when I was 7 but in no way describes what we get up to now. We are rowdy! We tear it up! We dance up a storm, offend dumpling house staff and then follow that up the next day by sitting braless on the couch, hungover as all hell, moving only to get more greasy food! Girls?! Not when we are legally able to drive, drink, vote and buy battery operated ‘pleasure objects’ on our credit cards!
Sluts/Hos/Sluzzas
Sure, my friends are ‘liberated’ types, but in the words of the immortal Tina Fey, “you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores”. After all, these terms are derogatory ways of referring to women who are perceived to be acting outside the bounds of permissible female sexuality. While I mean it affectionately and without malice, others use terms like ‘slut’ and ‘ho’ with genuine contempt and with an intent to shame. I don’t want to reduce my closest friends to their sexual activity and I don’t want to make it ok for others to do so. Broken windows theory says no.
Bitches
Thanks to the pioneering work of Meredith Brooks, ‘bitch’ has been somewhat reclaimed and does have that ‘hellraising’ connotation I am seeking. But as with ‘sluts/hos/sluzzas’ above, it’s derogatory and has been used as a tool to marginalise women (e.g. aggressive men in the workplace are ‘go-getters’ and ‘ambitious’ whereas women are ‘bitches’). Additionally, and obviously, it compares women to dogs, i.e. something less than human. That’s not appropriate for people I respect. And what happens when we’re not tearing it up? I can hardly invite my ‘bitches’ to a Crafternoon.
Ladies
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Not even close! Refer above re: harassment of dumpling house staff.
Mates
Too reminiscent of the John Howard era. Additionally, the word almost exclusively connotes male friendship, so not only would it achieve the opposite of what I set out to do, I would get unnecessarily angry about 1996-2007 every time I see my friends. No thanks.
RESULT: I don’t have one! Please leave helpful tips in the comments, because right now I’m still using ‘girls’ and I hate it.
Up next: Battle of the mummy porn: 50 Shades of Grey vs Mills & Boon
What’s wrong with “girlfriends”? It has almost the same vibe as “bros”, doesn’t have the same immature feel as “girls”.
Whilst ‘bros’ invokes images of The Hangover (or at least going to see The Hangover) and girlfriends invokes more of a chick-flick movie-outing, I think that is accurate in any case – you don’t do the same things with your female friends that your man does with his bros.
OR if you want a more edgy name, there’s that episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon stops work for a week and starts hanging with that group of women of independent means, that later turns out to be a fight club. Whatever word they use to refer to each other should do nicely.
http://videogum.com/64871/30_rock_humanity_leave/tv/sitcoms/
Finally, ‘brah’ is often used (ironically, at least by me) as a deliberate mispronunciation of bro to overemphasize the frat-boy aspect and ridiculousness of the term. See also Bondi Hipsters. So that’s another reason to avoid ‘Bras’.
Great post. I don’t have an answer, but I do hope I am never referred to as a “bro”.
I use ‘guys’, which according to my incredibly in-depth research (I googled it just now), is not gender specific. So that works for pretty much anyone you’re talking to.
Hey hey. I’m a feminist and I call my mates ‘sista’. You can totally tell it ends in an ‘a’ not ‘er’. Its all in the pronunciation….
I have to veto ‘girlfriends’. It worked ok until I started dating women. Now it’s really confusing.
I still like ‘ladies’ (not related to the above). I feel like you can dismiss the patriarchal overtones with irony.
With regard to ‘sistas’, this is just a personal thing, but when I use it I feel like I’m awkwardly co-opting black culture.
The internet offered me ‘peaches’, which according to urban dictionary is also slang for vagina.
I could get on board with this.
My friends and I use ‘fiends’!
I love this!
I’m not sure I like the underlying implication that we need gender specific terminology to refer to our friends. What’s wrong with just calling them friends?
But then, I haven’t had a group of friends who were all one gender since school, and only when I was at an all girls school – before and since then, my friendship groups have always been mixed.
Hi Jacky,
I definitely get what you mean. On facebook, a few people have suggested that I need to come up with a name for the group I am specifically talking about, then everyone else can just be my ‘friends’. I think, though, that women should still be able to have their own version of ‘bro’ – maybe in its own way it would help to strike a blow for equality by linguistically reminding people that girls/women have many roles.
Hmm, I see your point, particularly in relation to needing an equivalent term to ‘bro’ that doesn’t infantilise women (I hate ‘girls’).
In an ideal world, I’d eliminate all gender-specific terminology, but I realise that’s unrealistic (unless I move to Sweden), so perhaps the next best thing is what you’re trying to do – i.e. give women and equivalent to ‘bro’.
My little sister’s magazines use ‘besties’ which probably doesn’t suit your purposes, but I do like that they’re creating appropriate terminology for teen women. It’s probably the only appropriate thing I’ve seen in any of those magazines, aside from the non-negotiable advice to use condoms in all sexual activity.
Hurm, I often use ‘bitches’ when describing male and female friends together, normally in bigger groups, example “Where my bitches at?”. ‘Bro’ is saved for friends that are of ‘higher quality’, friends that are pretty much family, example “She is such a bro”, “Wilbur brought a coffee to class for me – what a bro”, “Thanks bro!”.
Lame but works for me.
‘Friends’ also works
I default to “partners-in-crime.” It’s not gender specific, no — but it’s fun.
I think “Bras” is kind of torqued by the fact that “brah” is actually used by men in an non-ironic way. Not as common I guess, but I’ve definitely seen it.
I’d default to ladies too, but I think I hate it for the same reasons you do.
Oops. Meant I’d default to “girls’ too. D’oh.
How bout “Me n’ the shielas?”
How about your “crew”?
I like that, thanks!
although, probably too unisex for my purposes…